A Mother’s Pain

empty_by_luclamxu

 

(This is raw ~ I guess it just has to be.)

 

One does not throw themselves headlong knowing into the birth of a soulful despair.
Rather it comes in one hurling chunk of the rock of reality leaving the icey cold burned into the breath of innocence and then sits there waiting silently to gasp awake at any moment unannounced forever in the rest of that human life of the soul. Intertwined it is the strange thread that shimmers in the exposure to any bright light whether initiated by unexpecting query or the filtered flicker of sunlight through trees. I would not change any one of those exposures for they were necessary in the scheme of the greater universal love.

Weep. One cannot know a Mother’s pain from the outside in as the only heart listened to by the soul synced with the heart that once lies against the Mother’s heartbeat wells up from within to without then dissipates too soon from too small the human life.

My tears woke me up before the sun or the noise of humans ~ your heart captured in the soul could be heard and in my human experience my weeping simply held onto the pain like a blanket well worn familiar yet torn.

I am ok with the pain as a part of a much greater whole. The years between not wanting it here and it staying with no permission allows me to realize it is not my choice to wring out the last drop of care. It goes beyond human experience and it leaves me with a far deeper knowing that there is more far greater than just this bug walking this blue-green planet. I cannot explain it. Nor do I feel a need to be understood. BUT this Mother’s pain requires from time to time expression which is not easy yet inadequately if the ego tries it is nothing but mere words; when the heart tries it is at times a song of tribute and at others the song of a siren lost at sea.

I make no apologies to the eyes of others for the pain that my soul knows from the heartbeat synced with mine can not be ripped away when a life is gone. My hope is that perhaps the thought comes that pain simply juxtaposes against joy making both greater and not muted to unknown.

Thank you comes to my mind and suddenly a humble attitude of gratitude unlocks even more love allowing empathy and compassion to flow even more.

My tears flow and my fingers stop touching the keys.

 

 

Old Soul

vacay 4

“The bonds between ourselves and another person exists only in our minds. Memory as it grows fainter loosens them, and notwithstanding the illusion by which we want to be duped and which, out of love, friendship, politeness, deference, duty, we dupe other people, we exist alone. Man is the creature who cannot escape from himself, who knows other people only in himself, and when he asserts the contrary, he is lying.”
― Marcel Proust, In Search of Lost Time

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Inability to be accountable for one’s part in joint decisions made ~

for the person knows not how to work together cooperatively in all aspects

being more concerned for the self and outward appearances to all

losing the integrity the soul yearns for; yes the soul cries out unheard

wanting its freedom to become the integral part of the greater universe.

The ego denies and remands with no respect for any others

none even for that lonely soul

although the ego pretends to have a gawd

above its head

it has neglected the heart that was to be chorded

with gold thread

to the soul

that was thrust into the

body with a big head.

Upon weighty decisions to be made

The blue jay cackles on in agreement

As if to help with a decision in collaboration

Only upon flying away

Later to be called

The blue jay whistles from the distance

An angry Nay

Then in disowning

Never returns again.

The soft song of the innocent naive

heard briefly

will not be grieved

for the casting aside

was lack of the song’s acknowledgment

that the controller wanted regardless

of the destruction ~ the loss.

We cry not becuz we can not have

We cry becuz once again we lost

before we even knew

we would lose.

She sits with her head bowed

hands together like the child’s steeple

lips softly slightly apart

breathing silently in through the nose

exhaling out expelling the doubts

until she has arrived down deep within

where the soul whispers endearments

reassurances that indeed there shall be

no universal end for that which has been

will be always.

Nothing else now matters

as the thoughts subside

with an ocean wave that

left the shore long ago

weathered cheeks

having been swept by salty brine

remind that the beauty

is in the wisdom that came from

ancient experiences

not tomorrows.

Old soul that knows

that the juvenile

no matter the chronology of years

humans labeled ticking away

will someday be gone

no ceremonious goodbyes

just stripped away from

the remnants of ripped cloth

battered by years of demands

in storms denied

The old soul harbors no disdain

embraces the pieces of soul

left by the all knowing ego

that died simply in vain.

She lifts her head halfway

as the lashes open revealing

huge depths in the blues of the eyes

There ………..

JUMP

 

jump

 

mounting the ancient bleached stone steps one at a time

she moved quietly albeit somewhat belabored under the age

her eyes first cast down and then up with inhale and exhale

determination glowed in her gentle eyes as slight salty tears shivered

drying before crossing the threshold of her sturdy jaw line

her motivation to see the other side of a chaotic humankind
no temple atop the stairs stretched forth as if vanishing into blue sky
every now but then here a small token of someone who came before

her simplicity of the thought chanted under her breath was no need for why
there will be a brightness shining way up there
when she does finally arrive
there where the souls blend into that peaceful kindness of love for all time

in the darkness there has been light
in the light there was darkness
yet consulting the inner voice
listening to the sultry at times and soft aged at others
the whisper told of truth none other sound could impart

forever is not how long she climbs
rather just a brief human life time
every now and then a song breaks loose from her lips
to be heard by the meadows and yes even quieted birds

freedom is being without fear of not being accepted

what is

even choices will not matter when the last step is reached

where then she looks and then she becomes
nothing more than aire

jump

In your Moon

in the moon

 

The moon came through the open window
on an unexpected breeze
whilst I was sleeping.

It brushed the hair back from my face
then kissed me upon my forehead.
I smiled knowing you had sent it
as you have done ever since we parted.

In your moon
I slept
in peace.
Only touching my lips
to it,
as I awoke,
to send it back
to
You.

aberrant companions

My soul sometimes bleeds through sleep, leaving me bewildered with a wakefulness that was less about thoughts and more about deep penetrating feelings that left scars so very long ago one almost but never forgets nor forgot.

I just wished there were even one other soul buried inside one other human that I might connect with in silent understanding so that sitting with no spoken words was a deep presence desired by both.

Like a human who wishes to fly ~ this soul has turned ghostly white waiting for its release.

Perhaps in the mists or even the darkness I might find you to commune with whilst both of our souls remain encased in these human sarcophagi.

 

 

 

hunger

She was an eager to please

quick to frustrate

little child.

 

She desperately needed

all the hugs

one could afford.

 

Her most expensive prize

was the patience

required.

 

The reward ~

her acceptance and

unconditional love.

 

 

~~~~  ~~~~~  ~~~~  ~~~~~

As an educator who now gets to move around

several schools and several school districts

some of the most deeply emotional experiences

are the encounters with the needy children

that cross all income lines

as well as all ages ~

all grades.

To me this is my current calling ~

being semi retired

it is less about the money

and more so about the needs of the students

as well as believing in each one of them.

Some people mistake me ~

simply becuz they have not

inquired more deeply of me

~ that somehow I have less than intents.

The fact is my heart does not allow me any less thans ~

it demands of me that

I care.

Perhaps the care is not the care someone else chooses

in actions or even in words

but I do not expect that anyone else

care the way I choose to care.

I just hope more

WILL

Care!!

Hunger is in more than nutrition to fill the belly.

Hunger is:

  • the need for acceptance just as ‘I am’
  • the need for someone else to BELIEVE in them
  • the need to be seen as capable
  • the need to love and be loved

 

Fill them up that their hearts will shine even when the darkness might fall

and stars might be too far away for brief times in a long journey.

They  will do “the right thing” as their heart is opened even when their face is grimaced

in anger and pain.

 

I do not for a moment give up even on my own although they may not like how I choose to express or to care ~ it is still the right thing my heart knows to do.   I was fortunate and I am humbly grateful that someone in my life when I was but a child BELIEVED in me and tended to my heart that the LOVE might shine no matter what.   I shall pass it on in quiet gratitude during the last days of this lovely journey called LIFE!

 

Feed the Being where the needs are shown.  LOVE no matter what!  Patience when they do not want you near ~ for their own journey is what is clear only to their own heart.

What I learned in nightmares

comet~ the more frightening something is the faster I must resolve to face it

~ it is what we wish to leave behind we keep finding again

~ only when I reach out can I survive

~ risks come with heavy burdens of being charged as guilty with no reason  and lack of understanding

~ the biggest monster is knowing and not then acting

~ I march forward only becuz going backwards would give validity to the disease of  bucking any change