A Mother’s Pain

empty_by_luclamxu

 

(This is raw ~ I guess it just has to be.)

 

One does not throw themselves headlong knowing into the birth of a soulful despair.
Rather it comes in one hurling chunk of the rock of reality leaving the icey cold burned into the breath of innocence and then sits there waiting silently to gasp awake at any moment unannounced forever in the rest of that human life of the soul. Intertwined it is the strange thread that shimmers in the exposure to any bright light whether initiated by unexpecting query or the filtered flicker of sunlight through trees. I would not change any one of those exposures for they were necessary in the scheme of the greater universal love.

Weep. One cannot know a Mother’s pain from the outside in as the only heart listened to by the soul synced with the heart that once lies against the Mother’s heartbeat wells up from within to without then dissipates too soon from too small the human life.

My tears woke me up before the sun or the noise of humans ~ your heart captured in the soul could be heard and in my human experience my weeping simply held onto the pain like a blanket well worn familiar yet torn.

I am ok with the pain as a part of a much greater whole. The years between not wanting it here and it staying with no permission allows me to realize it is not my choice to wring out the last drop of care. It goes beyond human experience and it leaves me with a far deeper knowing that there is more far greater than just this bug walking this blue-green planet. I cannot explain it. Nor do I feel a need to be understood. BUT this Mother’s pain requires from time to time expression which is not easy yet inadequately if the ego tries it is nothing but mere words; when the heart tries it is at times a song of tribute and at others the song of a siren lost at sea.

I make no apologies to the eyes of others for the pain that my soul knows from the heartbeat synced with mine can not be ripped away when a life is gone. My hope is that perhaps the thought comes that pain simply juxtaposes against joy making both greater and not muted to unknown.

Thank you comes to my mind and suddenly a humble attitude of gratitude unlocks even more love allowing empathy and compassion to flow even more.

My tears flow and my fingers stop touching the keys.

 

 

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Pour another Ginger and Jack

Sit down upon the glider
surrounded by the coolness
of the late spring breeze
flowing through the open windows

Pull the music close
stare at the unfinished canvas
that begs for attention
getting only the distance of the mind
now lulled in peaceful contentment

She was far away
in the nearness of this day
remembering those times
when nothing interrupted
the joy of reflection that
now comes back to be
if only her eyes now could see
she came full circle
in silent reverie

 

Where did you go

Was I really so foolish

Thinking I had to let you go

Why did I not sit next to you

And wait forever and a day

 

 

she waits (revisited)

love-flower

 

the tears welled up in her blue eyes

 

and as she tried to choke them back down in her throat

 

one salty one dribbled slowly down her weathered cheek

 

 

 

why so sad whispered the wind

 

yet the wind picked up faster to

 

 

move on without hearing an answer

 

 

 

 

I would like to be able to go to him right now and sit down and quietly ask ~ what now must we believe in when humans have trashed everything you lived for so many years ago?

 

If I hold onto the way things were I shall be lost among the leaves of old and the new shoots rapid growth as like a small little single grain of sand unknown by the eyes of the hu man.

 

If I adapt with the changes that are rapidly passing on interstates with no speeed limits then how do I continue the message that is the only truth I have known.

 

 

I think I am forced by the odd weather recently to stay inside out away from the severe cold for only this reason ~ to sit with myself and ask the questions and then wait patiently for the answers from ancient lips across million of billions of stars that lands softly upon my shoulder.   I must listen with all of me.  Listen with a serious quietness that holds spell bound and suspended any future and all told untold pasts.

 

 

The toughest lessons for me to learn are not behind me and will not be in front of me if I sit right here and listen carefully knowing that time is no longer and space is but in this capsule of this now.

 

 

Do not paint me in muddled greys as if I am a troubled soul for that would be erroneously depicted of a free flowing spirit that regards nothing but the now in premium colors of blue and reds that leak into each otjher and become the purples that run endless in no time and no space but for the brush of the artist on canvas who believes they can create.

 

 

I felt such turmoil when you disappeared and now that you are here ~ I am breathless as I await ~ wanting to know you more than I knew you in the deep autumns of the late.

 

If I lift my right index and middle finger to my lips then to kiss and wave them thus across your face will you know that I love you as no other love could for in this timelessness love alone mixes the colors of endless spaces criss crossing many universes to take us so many places.

 

I heard you across the many hills when you were a child like boy cry out from your heart for me ~ and I waited 6 times the ten that you might find me one moment again.

 

(Jan 2014)