A Mother’s Pain

empty_by_luclamxu

 

(This is raw ~ I guess it just has to be.)

 

One does not throw themselves headlong knowing into the birth of a soulful despair.
Rather it comes in one hurling chunk of the rock of reality leaving the icey cold burned into the breath of innocence and then sits there waiting silently to gasp awake at any moment unannounced forever in the rest of that human life of the soul. Intertwined it is the strange thread that shimmers in the exposure to any bright light whether initiated by unexpecting query or the filtered flicker of sunlight through trees. I would not change any one of those exposures for they were necessary in the scheme of the greater universal love.

Weep. One cannot know a Mother’s pain from the outside in as the only heart listened to by the soul synced with the heart that once lies against the Mother’s heartbeat wells up from within to without then dissipates too soon from too small the human life.

My tears woke me up before the sun or the noise of humans ~ your heart captured in the soul could be heard and in my human experience my weeping simply held onto the pain like a blanket well worn familiar yet torn.

I am ok with the pain as a part of a much greater whole. The years between not wanting it here and it staying with no permission allows me to realize it is not my choice to wring out the last drop of care. It goes beyond human experience and it leaves me with a far deeper knowing that there is more far greater than just this bug walking this blue-green planet. I cannot explain it. Nor do I feel a need to be understood. BUT this Mother’s pain requires from time to time expression which is not easy yet inadequately if the ego tries it is nothing but mere words; when the heart tries it is at times a song of tribute and at others the song of a siren lost at sea.

I make no apologies to the eyes of others for the pain that my soul knows from the heartbeat synced with mine can not be ripped away when a life is gone. My hope is that perhaps the thought comes that pain simply juxtaposes against joy making both greater and not muted to unknown.

Thank you comes to my mind and suddenly a humble attitude of gratitude unlocks even more love allowing empathy and compassion to flow even more.

My tears flow and my fingers stop touching the keys.

 

 

JUMP

 

jump

 

mounting the ancient bleached stone steps one at a time

she moved quietly albeit somewhat belabored under the age

her eyes first cast down and then up with inhale and exhale

determination glowed in her gentle eyes as slight salty tears shivered

drying before crossing the threshold of her sturdy jaw line

her motivation to see the other side of a chaotic humankind
no temple atop the stairs stretched forth as if vanishing into blue sky
every now but then here a small token of someone who came before

her simplicity of the thought chanted under her breath was no need for why
there will be a brightness shining way up there
when she does finally arrive
there where the souls blend into that peaceful kindness of love for all time

in the darkness there has been light
in the light there was darkness
yet consulting the inner voice
listening to the sultry at times and soft aged at others
the whisper told of truth none other sound could impart

forever is not how long she climbs
rather just a brief human life time
every now and then a song breaks loose from her lips
to be heard by the meadows and yes even quieted birds

freedom is being without fear of not being accepted

what is

even choices will not matter when the last step is reached

where then she looks and then she becomes
nothing more than aire

jump

If I should die before I wake …

rose-everything-is-exactly-as-it-is-supposed-to-be

~ everything is exactly as it is supposed to be ~

The moment I realized that the entire process called life which was inextricably tied to death with birth not being a beginning but rather a marker of so little in the greatness of much greater was the next level of freedom my soul dreamed of on its way to unified unconditional love.    Now why be bothered by so much fragile snags that are washed down river or cast up onto disappearing banks never to be seen again other than in the dregs of egos clinging to disrespectful delusions erroneously called hope. 

Live out on the edge of the process while floating above the under current of frothy foam.  Yet live with childlike wonder expecting the unexpected brilliance of abundance of love.  

            I am grateful for it all.                  Breathe stars.    Exhale ancient cosmic dust.  Creation is but energy changing born in the gentle shelter of love’s recessed pool.

                                      We start not all over again but rather after each rest moving not forward or back but upward to the next star.   Love like the love that loves without restraints, without comparisons, with only increased love.        

Gratitude unlocks the heart releasing more mysteries to the connection of the universe that is Universal Love.    

nde

cypress-point

for in that moment
as the body fell away
the spirit rose up
joining in the universal love
as like rain on a warm summer day
the rays of love fell down
upon heads, flowers, ground
washed anew to begin again
leaving behind the grime
of past times
rising into holy mists
the wonders of hearts
where universal love
always and forever exists
within you
within me
connected beyond
mere breathing
of flesh bound thoughts
torn back like flimsy curtains
to reveal the love
that has always been there
no matter what

mists now burned away
the brilliance of this
Universal Love
It was and is and will be forever
here to stay

 

how does one describe this …

describe-this

There is a hollowness that feels heavier than the aire inhaled and held there.

 

This gasp now held still as silence passes through this.

 

My heart whispers imperceptible longing for your eyes to hold it close ~ yours to mine.

 

 

 

 

Those days way back when ………….

 

The farmhouse sat on its own solid ground surrounded by miles of pastures and hayfields waiting to be gleaned alongside the chopped cornfields as off in the distance the ghost of a cornshucker could almost be heard being operated by several long gone men.

 

On the old wrap around porch she stood with one arm hugging the round white column that held the roof above.  Her eyes squinting into the sun that was effortlessly heading to the edge of the earth as her lips persed to whistle for the old mare.  Wisps of golden reddish hair blown across her left cheek sprinkled with freckles her Aunty had called angel kisses, she leaned forward toward mother earth as if to take flight at the last breathtaking moment when the sun slipped from the earth.

 

 

Flowers plucked from vines and leaves much earlier now slightly wilting in the basket gave off the most gentle scent like the breath of a new born babe washed in lotions and swathed in cotton smocked cloth.  Her nose twitched as it caught the posies scent…….. leaving the impression forever deep in her tender heart.

 

 

The creak of the screen door startled her back to the first touches of the night aire as her Uncle stepped out and walked firmly to the porch swing calling her name to come sit a spell with him and his promise of more railroad stories to unfold until her head would nod drowsy next to sleep.

 

 

 

Tis a captured time when all the senses were so alive and impressionable……. a time that now is brought up into the present mind as much older she sits staring across the landscape to the east …… wondering……..

 

 

she waits (revisited)

love-flower

 

the tears welled up in her blue eyes

 

and as she tried to choke them back down in her throat

 

one salty one dribbled slowly down her weathered cheek

 

 

 

why so sad whispered the wind

 

yet the wind picked up faster to

 

 

move on without hearing an answer

 

 

 

 

I would like to be able to go to him right now and sit down and quietly ask ~ what now must we believe in when humans have trashed everything you lived for so many years ago?

 

If I hold onto the way things were I shall be lost among the leaves of old and the new shoots rapid growth as like a small little single grain of sand unknown by the eyes of the hu man.

 

If I adapt with the changes that are rapidly passing on interstates with no speeed limits then how do I continue the message that is the only truth I have known.

 

 

I think I am forced by the odd weather recently to stay inside out away from the severe cold for only this reason ~ to sit with myself and ask the questions and then wait patiently for the answers from ancient lips across million of billions of stars that lands softly upon my shoulder.   I must listen with all of me.  Listen with a serious quietness that holds spell bound and suspended any future and all told untold pasts.

 

 

The toughest lessons for me to learn are not behind me and will not be in front of me if I sit right here and listen carefully knowing that time is no longer and space is but in this capsule of this now.

 

 

Do not paint me in muddled greys as if I am a troubled soul for that would be erroneously depicted of a free flowing spirit that regards nothing but the now in premium colors of blue and reds that leak into each otjher and become the purples that run endless in no time and no space but for the brush of the artist on canvas who believes they can create.

 

 

I felt such turmoil when you disappeared and now that you are here ~ I am breathless as I await ~ wanting to know you more than I knew you in the deep autumns of the late.

 

If I lift my right index and middle finger to my lips then to kiss and wave them thus across your face will you know that I love you as no other love could for in this timelessness love alone mixes the colors of endless spaces criss crossing many universes to take us so many places.

 

I heard you across the many hills when you were a child like boy cry out from your heart for me ~ and I waited 6 times the ten that you might find me one moment again.

 

(Jan 2014)

EhYeh (I AM)

arches-national-park

Quiet my ego

 

Sit with my Soul

in Peace and Harmony of Truth

 

~ that we are pieces of a whole

and

whole only in fragmented pieces ~

 

Put together in Unity,

we find tranquility.

 

So I sit in quietude as my soul

vibrates silently

drawing to and near

in harmonic Unity.

 

The material then disappear.

Left flowing ~  One in  the Same.

 

Universal Love.